The Mercenary of Shenanigans
by AyCarayChicolion
Summary: And we are back to the possessed mercenary. Will she ever make it to the castle in one piece or will an old man stand in her way? And what is Rake planting behind the castle grounds that Gunther is interested on? Read and find out.
1. Goodbye, my dear friend

**Summary:** Jane leaves Kingdom Kippernium to another castle faraway with Dragon for a new knight course. What new adventures will she seek? And could there be a man that will open her heart to love? Read and find out!  
 **Rating:** T and up! (Some curse words, but not too extreme)

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 _Chapter 1: Goodbye, my dear friend_

Today is Jane's last day in the castle. Why you may ask? Simply because I want it to be. Tomorrow morning she and Dragon will leave to another kingdom called: Kingdom Doughnuts. Legend says that when someone enters Kingdom Doughnuts nobody comes back alive or dead. It's a mystery around the land and if you're smart enough you'll stay away from that region. But not Jane. I suppose you can say that her hair instead of growing out it grows in and, when I mean in, I mean inside of her head to her brain. Although her unruly and tangled hair doesn't matter in this story, not even the lice that live inside her tresses matter in this story because it's not about her or Dragon. Don't worry we will get to that next chapter.

Where was I? Oh yes, Kingdom Doughnuts. People around the land wonder why all the citizens of that kingdom are so fat. Some say that an old witch cast a spell on them because when King Sprinklesak, the king of Kingdom Doughnuts, tricked the old witch into creating the finest dessert in exchange he will give a small portion of land to the witch so she will die happily. But King Sprinklesak grew too greedy for his own good and all he wanted was more of that mysterious dessert that the witch had created for him. He grew mad in hunger and wanting and when the witch said she will no longer create the dessert, he went total berserk, killing half of the people in the castle. The only way to stop him was to make the deadly pastry. In which she did, but he forgot all about the old witch and his promise to her. The land was given to a young baker so he can build a big house just for the making of the dessert to the king and his people.

But the mystery that goes underneath that sinister kingdom will not stop Jane from going on. Oh, it won't do. Once when she was in her travels in a faraway land with Dragon she stopped at a local bar to quench her thirst. What she heard in that small building changed her life forever. Two middle-aged men were talking about a kingdom with a deadly curse that no one dares to enter. At this Jane's curiosity increased greatly and listened to the private conversation. Both men mention about a special program about knighthood that is the best of the entire world. At once she knew that she will need to go there, even if she didn't know if it was true or not. It didn't matter to her; she just needed to go as if her dear life depended on it! Besides in the end she would figure out if was all lies or truths and if it was lies … no, it cannot be lies since all men tell the truth and only the truth. She left the bar without paying and went to find dragon.

"Hey did you see that girl? With the smelly red hair?" One of the men from earlier stated to his companion in front of him. "The one who did not pay the bill?"

"What of her, lad?"

"Oh, nothin'. It just that I suddenly have this urge to buy her a comb to brush her tangles and then put them into braids and pet them all night long." He shrugged. "I do not know how or why, but I think that lass seems like a trustworthy person."

"Fool. She is a knight and knights are not trustworthy." Both men nodded at this statement.

Now to the present. Everyone knows of what Jane desires to do since that is all that she keeps babbling about all day and night. At first everyone was opposed to her ludicrous idea. Her parents, the king and queen, Princess Lavinia, her peasant friends, especially the jester, Sir Theodore and Sir Ivan, even Gunther were opposed of the idea. Upset Prince Cuthbert since he did not really care for such silly things. But all Jane ever did was whine and whine and whine some more. It was devastating for their poor ears and the headaches would never stop. So everyone in the castle went to King Caradoc and demanded to exile Jane out of the kingdom, at least for a while, so they can have their peace that they once lost. Reluctantly the king sighed and nodded his head slowly. There goes to title of being the only king in the land to have a female squire in the entire kingdom. Everyone cheered, cried and laughed; meanwhile King Caradoc looked at Sir Ivan imagining him in a dress with very pretty makeup.

And that is how everything got resolved. Jane with Dragon will discover Kingdom Doughnuts and train in their kingdom with their special knight program (and see if everyone in there is actually fat). I suppose it's true that constant whining will solve everything.

Tomorrow has become today and today is the end. At least Jane's end.

"Bye everyone! I will miss all of you!" Jane shouts with her knapsack ready and Dragon by her side. She looks around and sees only that Jester and the pig has come to say or squeal their farewells. It didn't really matter to Jane since she knew that King Caradoc is an evil king in disguise that locks everyone up so her dear friends can't see her departure. "I promise to write and to become stronger."

Only the pig squeals once and left. Jester just sighs, covers his hat on his face and leaves, but not before hitting the stone wall and yells.

"They must be really sad that I'm leaving. Oh, Dragon I pity them I really do. I mean I know that Gunther secretly likes me, but his father will always stand in the way so our love will never blossom. Smithy hot bod will miss my body since muscle and scrawny always go together. The gardener will now stink the whole palace more than me since I always see him rolling in your dung Dragon. Although I will miss looking at Pepper's boobs. She has freaking big boobs at the age of twelve and here I am flat as an iron-board. So yes I pity her for having boobs and no one will take her seriously, not even Rake!"

"So you are telling me that the life of the cook is damned because of something that she cannot control and that is natural in a woman?"

"Yes!"

"Fair enough… let us go then. I'm tired of hearing you whine and dear God I hope there is running water in the kingdom we are going 'cause girl, you smelly." Dragon flips his wings, getting ready to take flight. Jane jumps on his bare back.

"Hm, Dragon I have never heard someone talk in the same way as you did just now or use those bizarre words."

"Get used to it. BITCH!"

If you would look up in the sky you would wonder if you just saw a dragon. But no, dragon do not exist only in the fairytales, as in the prince kills the dragon to save the beautiful blonde princess (they always have to be blonde). You'll look again with refreshed eyes and see it was just a simple bird flying to its nest.

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	2. Mercenary, you have arrived

**A/N** : This is a parody so don't take it seriously. It will probably have some stupid shit that won't make sense, but whatever. This will be my summer fanfiction and I will update it each week for the summer that will have at least 1000-1500 words. That's my goal.

 **Summary (change)** : Now that Jane with Dragon has ventured to the new kingdom. We'll need to have a new protagonist and that's where the possessed mercenary enters the "show". Will she blend in, in the castle and will she make friends or enemies? Read and find out!

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 _Chapter 2:_ _Mercenary, you have arrived_

With the leaving of Jane and Dragon the whole castle was quiet, too quiet. Usually it was Dragon that caused great commotion inside the castle, whether being him breaking down the stone wall (Gunther was glad that Dragon had gone since he was the one that had to fix them) or the loud farts that Dragon farted to stink the whole place up. Everyone missed his crazy shenanigans and especially his farts because if you smell them enough they will smell like chocolate macaroons. But that didn't matter since they don't know what chocolate macaroons are in the first place.

Everyday everyone went through their day as normal. Pepper cooks each hour of the day to night without stopping. Rake, the gardener, will plant and water his vegetables in his garden and then secretly he will stare at Pepper's boobs until he feels something harden inside of his underwear … if he is wearing underwear that day because he usually dirties them daily. Smithy will get his daily workout by sharpening the tools that Sir Ivan always gives him. Although he wonders why the knight will stare at him and then lick his lips and run away. But Smithy didn't care because he is an egotistic asshole. And Jester. Now Jester sometimes will need to hide inside the library so he can work in his erotic stories about little boys and bunnies. It is his secret passion.

Only Gunther is the only one that still cares about Jane. Sometimes when he is practicing with the dummy, he would imagine he was sparing with Jane and imagine her red, fiery hair sway with the wind or the way she would move with her sword that almost seem if she were dancing with Gunther. He misses her dearly. Although he was glad that giant reptile left the castle, he wished that Jane wouldn't have left him by himself for he needs her dearly. She was the only one that understood the misunderstood squire. And now he's alone. Gunther sighs, walks away from the dummy and heads for the stables. He sets the hay on fire so the smell will remind him of Jane's hair. He leaves before Smithy comes with a machete to try and kill him.

The everyday lives of the people inside of Castle Kippernia are getting too tedious, too wearisome even for the royal family. They need new action, new drama, and even felt as if something is missing from their lives. Jane and her reptile were not it since mostly everyone was glad they left (rumor has it that the day the squire left the castle did a secret party at her departure). King Caradoc every day will have new tantrums about the stupidest things like how he doesn't man-boobs and that even his son, Prince Cuthbert, has bigger boobs than him and declare that Sir Ivan will need to wipe his stinky ass for no reason. Sir Ivan is mostly sad because he wanted to wipe the ass of the strong, handsome smith, not the whiny and hairy king. So for the rest of the week the Scottish knight will bring his toilet paper made out of rock and scratch the king's ass that will make him bleed until morning. He loves the color red since it reminds him of his pubic hair.

Now, in a distant road that leads to the castle. There's a girl walking with her black stallion. Although in appearance she looks like any ordinary girl, she is no ordinary girl. She has the skills of a hundred dead soldiers and the agility of a deadly cheetah in a hunt. But mostly she has the mouth of a sailor, though half of what she says she doesn't even understands herself. Some people in her old town thought she is possessed with a demon and kicked her out of the town; even her own parents disown her and turn their backs on her. With nowhere to go she grabbed her rucksack and a little money she had saved and with her horse left her old town to venture new lands that maybe one day she could call her home.

Being in the road isn't what she thought it would be. During the day-time they are bandits that try to rape her and in the night-time there are fruity male prostitutes that try to win her charm and her money. But in the end she is always the winner is such situations. She passed through many towns, but none where she could call home. In one particular town she went to the plaza to buy some fruit for her and her four-legged friend. Everything was going perfectly normal. The people were merrily walking and buying in the streets, the venders were shouting their items and sales, and even the smart were haggling with the dumb merchants. She walked into one stand that were selling a bag of mixed fruit for ten coins and thought it was a reasonable buy and so decided to purchase it. But that's when the shit started.

"Twenty coins, m'lady." The middle-aged man said to the girl with the horse beside her. He thought he could outsmart the stupid peasant.

"Excuse me? Oh hell no, you fcking mothertrucker! I'm tired of you and your sleazy ass bitch ass!" The girl quickly covers her mouth in shame. Where did these strange words come from? Maybe she really is possessed by a demon just like her old town thought she was.

 _No, not again!_ She thought. _This happen to me before and I was exiled from my own town and now here? What is wrong with me? I do not understand this madness! Perhaps I need help by a priest; surely he will help me and exorcise this demon I have inside of me._

She quickly tried to open her mouth to apologize for the strange behavior, but it was too late. Everyone within hearing range stopped what they were doing and looked at the poor looking girl. The whole street was dead silence. The girl fought the tears that were trying to fight themselves. It was too late.

"What did you say you little wench?! What language are you speaking of, of the devil?!" The merchant shouts, interrupting the silence in the street. "Are ye some kind of witch?!"

"No, please sir! Forgive me! I do not know what happen to me just now. I am hungry and I just want to pay for my food. That is all." The girl lowers her head in shame. Her stomach was hurting from hunger and her horse was also hungry as well. If only she listen to the fruity male prostitute she met earlier that day. None of this stupid shit would've happen. Instead she would be sleeping with a sissy man that had a one inch dick.

"Get her!" The ugly merchant shouted and as soon as he shouted the whole town went after her, trying to burn her down on the stake because they have nothing else to do and because that's what you normally do to witches. She ran and ran to get away from the unoriginal people as in nothing annoys her that much.

Now unto the present … again. The girl shakes her thoughts to remove them from her present mind and looks at her horse lovingly. At least he doesn't care that she is possessed by some demon trying at act like it's from the ghetto or some shit. She looks around hoping to spot a she-male in the wilderness in their natural habitat, but what she found was something even better. She discovers another town behind the forest with the name of Castle Kippernia.

"All right, my boy! Time to start some more dumbass shit again! Hell yeah. BITCH!"

Again she shakes her head in shame and starts to walk to the road that leads to Castle Kippernia, hopefully to find a good priest that won't try to sexually abuse her like the other times.

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	3. Gunther, no more

**A/N:** This is just a filler chapter. Next chapter will be more of the actual shitty story. So enjoy!  
(because it's a filler it will have half of the word count that I originally set a goal to: 500-900)

 **Summary(change):** At night Gunther's fears become a reality and a dream come true. He dreams a dream where he and Jane share a tender moment. But the morning dawn threatens their love… Read and find out!

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 _Chapter 3: Gunther, no more_

Gunther closes his eyes and all he ever thinks about is the female squire that left the kingdom to search for a better kingdom, a kingdom he never has heard about. He resents Jane for leaving him alone with his father for she was the only that listen to his problems. But now that she is gone he has no one to turn to. All the other peasants that live inside the castle are not his friends and besides, he hates them, especially the foul jester. He is and will be forever alone.

He presumes its midnight since the full moon is out in the middle of the night sky. He just finished unloading some barrels from his father's cart to be sent out tomorrow at dawn and now he is resting on top of a wooden barrel, sitting beside the concrete wall, inside of his father's workshop. The windows are open and he feels the cool summer breeze on his face. He sits there without stirring, looking out at the moon for a long time and wonders if Jane misses him like he does. The poor fool still believes that the moon is still her angelic smile.

"Goodbye Jane. Sorry if I could not come to see your departure, but you know how my father is. More work to be done as always. I hope … you do not hold it against me and I hope … to see you again someday in the distant future."

Gunther whispers to the night and that is his final farewell to her. The squire knows that soon she will forget about him and the time they spent together all those years. That pains his dearly because as long as he's still alive he will remember her in every expanse and yet he will still care about her in every sense. It is now the hour to suffer this infinite sorrow that life has given him. Life couldn't have become crueler than now.

That night he dreamed of a red headed squire riding a dragon in the sky with a smile on her pretty face. He will always remember that smile for he secretly thought that smile was for him. Dragon landed next to him and Jane jumped off Dragon's back. She walked close to Gunther, smiling, always smiling. He also, for such a long time, smiled back to the female squire. In that moment he felt warm and something moved deep inside of him. Was it love? He could of have never guessed since he never felt the sentiment before, but he knew that it was for something so beautiful cannot be called upset love.

He ran to her, to be in her arms and never let her go. He will never permit such a thing! So close was he, so damn close was he to the girl he loves and in one second they were one inch apart from each other. Gunther softly touched her red hair to place behind her ear. He needed to see her face clearly, to see those deep emerald eyes that are dancing with joy because of him. The knight-to-be was genuinely scared for the first time in his life for never in his life did he need another person such as now. And that frightened him deeply.

"Jane…" Gunther breathed, looking at her slight chapped lips. "I think I love you."

He was afraid that he said the wrong thing to the hot-headed squire. But all he heard was a soft chuckle coming from her lips. He looked deep into her eyes and saw his reflection on them. Jane put her rough hands on his face to hold his face closer to her. She could see his eyes filled with gray ominous smoke.

"You fool. I think I love you too."

That was enough to drive Gunther mad. Without his will to command his mind, he slammed his lips unto hers. His hands caressing all her body, feeling her warm skin with his cold hands, he held her tight. Jane wildly kissed him back as if it were the last kiss the two will ever share, and secretly they both knew that it was. When they finally parted ways she could feel his hot breath on his face. The red-headed squire shyly looked up to see Gunther's eyes.

His heart cried with happiness and sighed with bliss because of the tender moment they just shared. He will never forget this moment ever in his life, even if he knows it's just a dishonest dream. If only he could tell Jane everything that his heart is feeling in that exact moment, but he knows he cannot because soon he will wake up from his deep slumber for the dawn is approaching and when he opens his eyes there will not be his dear Jane.

Tonight he knows that she will never be his, silly stubbornness of his heart. Maybe someday the poor squire will forget Jane and finally rest.

And so came the dawn. The sun enters through the glassless window, caressing Gunther's face with a light kiss and the dream went away with the night. He awoke and wished he were still dreaming because in his dream there was passion, there was Jane.

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 **A/N:** Yikes! Not what I was expecting! Where did the hell this stupid filler come from? So romantic and shit?! Next chapter will definitely not be like this, it will be more of the parody style that I had going on. Yeah… (though I think this will be nice once in a while, not too much of it course)  
 **(just a little special dedication of this chapter to a nice stranger that I know...)**

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	4. Seriously, you really are serious

**Warning:** To make up from the last chapter, this chapter is going to be seem vulgar, too vulgar for some sensitive people. Again, don't take it serious.  
 **Rating:** I repeat its **rated T**. While there are some adult themes, nothing is too graphic or too detailed.  
 **Summary(change):** And we are back to the possessed mercenary. Will she ever make it to the castle in one piece or will an old man stand in her way? And what is Rake planting behind the castle grounds that Gunther is interested on? Read and find out.

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 _Chapter 4: Seriously, you really are serious_

The lying sign lied again. It reads: " _Less than a mile you'll reach the shittiest town of Castle Kippernia."_ It lied not because the town isn't shitty like it states, because it is or even worse, but because it's not "less than a mile" like it read. The poor girl with her horse just keep walking and walking, hoping to find this shitty town, but it never showed up. Day turn into night and no Castle Kippernia in sight.

The girl thought of turning back to head to a different town. But just the thought of reaching the shittiest town makes her heart sing with joy. She wonders if it's worse than her old town, but shakes her head as if to say, "of course it has to be". So she, with her nameless horse, decides to keep on walking, hoping it won't be too dark when she reaches the town because she knows that the fruity male prostitutes like to come out at this hour in the forest to hunt down their prey. And today she ain't having done of that shit. She's already in a pissed of mood because of the lying sign and her hunger keeps intensifying with every minute. If only she could control the ghetto possessed demon that is inside of her, would her life be easier.

The girl notices that her stallion halts in his walk and looks around with caution. There doesn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary in the forest, but one can never be too sure. It has been awhile since she has felt fear and now she remembers how she despises the feeling. Out of nowhere she hears a rustle in the bushes. So with steady steps, and a box full of pride, she walks slowly to the direction where she heard the noise, hoping it to be a cute, little bunny. Of course it will never be a cute, little bunny for such things only exist in children's story books and this, my fellow dear readers, is not a children's story book. So what was that was lurking behind the bushes?

She stops in her tracks as a shadow comes from the shrub. What she sees is one of the most horrible creatures ever created in the whole wide world and there _it_ is standing two feet in front of her. Even her horse shakes his mane in frustration. An old naked man with his twelve inch wrinkly "friend" dangling steps out of the shadows. His pasty face locks eyes with the weirded-out girl and his drool drops to his hairy white chest to his "big friend" down there.

"Come here my precious." His voice sound like nails in a chalkboard and it took all her will power not to cover her ears. He points his index finger to her direction. "I have a potato for you."

He then points to the floor and her eyes follow his finger in fear to see what he will show her. The ground. The old naked man points to the ground as if it were the most common thing in the world. The adolescent furrows her brows in irritation. Why is this nude wrinkly guy wasting her time with invisible potatoes? He can't be serious.

He repeats what he said again, mentioning potatoes and, now, random squash. The peasant has two options: to comply what the bizarre exposed man wants or to ride her horse and run away. Of course the dumbass will stay.

"Give me the potato."

Now it was her time to be in shock. The old hippie actually handed her a fcking potato and rub it on his small nipples, only to be lick afterwards. The girl sighs in boredom and puts her palm out in reach. She's way too ready for the wet potato.

Now, we will leave these two lovers alone and head to the direction of the castle to see what problems they're having there. If I were to say that everyone that resides in the castle is just fine, I would have been lying, just like the lying sign. But I will not stoop to the same level of the lying sign. The day Jane left to venture Kingdom Doughnuts with Dragon everyone has become a little jaded in a way, but to one squire it's as if the world ended.

"Gunther, cheer up. I am sick of seeing your mopey face everywhere I go. If it is to the table we eat, or when you practice with the practice dummy or even to the toilet, you have the same gloomy expression. It is creeping me out, really."

Gunther gives a hard look to the owner of the voice. There in front of him is the gardener, Rake, with his clothes all dirty with the color of brown. He hopes it just dirt and not something else.

"Listen. I have a secret –"

"If it's about you eating your own dung, then I do not even want to hear it. Besides everyone knows about that since you do not even try to hide it."

Rake cheeks glow red like the color of a ripe tomato. He can't believe his most dark secret is exposed in such a cruel manner. Well, at least now he has hope that big-titty Pepper will cook his favorite meal with his own dung or if he's really lucky he will eat the dish with his other friends at the open table. Maybe he will even give it to King Caradoc to give it a try, of course not to Prince Cuthbert because he's a spoiled young prince that doesn't deserves the delicacy of everyone's brown aftermath.

"No, that is not it. What I mean is – listen one time when Dragon went away to look for new herbs he actually got me something that is not an actual herb. The plant has a really stinky smell to it that I tried to burn it because I thought it will go away. But instead it made my head go drowsy and it made me feel so mellow inside, man. I did not care for no one or anything for a while. I think you should try to it so you can forget about that annoying pest that left the castle with head lice all over the place."

Gunther ignores the comment Rake said about Jane and thinks for a moment. How can one plant have the power to forget about one's own personal problem? This is troubling to the squire. He has free time to actually see what this "glorious" plant is really about and see if the gardener is not fibbing or he can continue to face his challenge like a real man.

"Alright, gardener show me this "miracle" plant."

The squire follows Rake behind the castle in a secret garden where Rake has cultivated himself with the help of Dragon. The plant didn't look too different from any other plant there is, but it did have a weird, but really nice stench. I think Gunther smile for the first time in a week. He touches the plant and tries to inspect it carefully.

"So, what on earth did you call this strange plant?"

"Well, Dragon and I were fighting about what to call it. He wanted to call it something silly like Mary Jane because the smell reminded him of a smelly lady he met in a brothel. Do not ask. But I wanted it to called it weed, because that is what it is: a weed. In the end we decided to call it: joint. I know, not the most creative name."

Gunther couldn't believe that the oversized lizard got laid before he did, even if it was with a prostitute. He needs to step up his game with or without the lady-future-knight.

"Alright Rake. I will just try it just this once and no more. I would like that you gave me a stash of the plant that you call "joint".

"Sorry Gunther, I only sell it by the ounce. One coin, one ounce. It is that simple, so take it or leave it your choice. And yes, thanks to this miracle plant I am becoming rich so you better keep your mouth shut to the king or else."

The squire narrows his eyes to the gardener and grabs one coin from his pocket to hand it to him. This better be worth it. Rake grabs some of the plant to put it inside an opaque bag in exchange for the coin and gives it to Gunther who hurriedly walks away from the secret garden and heads to the entrance back to the practice yard as if nothing has happen.

"It was good doing business with you Gunther and now I will sniff my beautiful little plants for my own enjoyment."

At the entrance of the castle, you can see Sir Theodore placing a sign that reads: " _Looking for female squires."_ That night the whole town was buzzing about the new news about how the King is looking for someone to replace the red-headed squire that the left the kingdom. Gunther didn't even hear about it since he was stuck in his father's storage with the deceitful plant, burning it and exhaling the fumes. That night he dreamed good dreams.

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